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Multi-ethnic friends toasting with champagne

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If two is a couple and three is a crowd, then what is a threesome?

Is it taboo to desire to engage in a threesome?  Has anyone ever heard of one that went well—without jealousy, awkwardness, or even impending relationship doom?

When a couple discusses a threesome it is almost assumed there will be another woman entering the bedroom. Rarely does the threesome include a second man or three women for that matter. I won’t address this social taboo, but would like to point out that society lauds a two-girl threesome as every man’s fantasy, while a two-man threesome usually has a negative connotation or is just out of the question for most heterosexual men.

So, for our purposes, I’ll discuss a heterosexual couple that chooses to add an additional woman to their bedroom.

What’s the occasion for a threesome?  A birthday?  Valentine’s Day?  The next lunar eclipse? When deciding on a threesome, is it like shopping?  Do you search for the perfect woman?  The woman who is your partner’s “type”?  Conversely, do you look for your polar opposite in trying to mix things up for your partner? Do you choose the woman with a great body, high IQ, 850 credit score?

Are there conversations about boundaries with both parties prior to the act?  Do you purposely choose someone you don’t know to maintain anonymity?  What if your man suggests your best friend or a close acquaintance? These are all questions that ideally should be addressed prior to entering the bedroom.

Even a strong union can be tested by some of the dynamics that arise in a threesome.

Hypothetically speaking, I would imagine the ideal threesome would involve a woman not prettier than you, who lives in Antarctica, happens to be in town for the one day that the threesome will occur, and will promise to disappear into oblivion after the act is done.  In theory, I guess this sounds good, but I doubt this will happen. So, find someone who you and your partner agree on that poses the least possibility of residual relationship issue. Choose someone who understands their pre-assigned purpose in your union. If it’s just sex, say that! If it is sex with the anticipation of a recurring role, say that.

If you are looking for a sister-wife, that’s another article.

So, what happens when the woman and your man turn you into a voyeur for their sexcapade?  You are now the onesome in the threesome.  But, if you acknowledged your desire to simply watch, then there won’t be an issue. Discuss boundaries prior to taking things to the bedroom. What about if you hadn’t realized that this threesome might require you to engage in sexual acts with the other woman?  If your man requested the threesome, he just might expect some girl on girl action.  Be candid about how you feel about being intimate with another woman.

While I’m not suggesting you write out a threesome script with diagrams and pre-assigned dialogue, although that might be amusing and awkward at the same time, make sure you and your partner are clear on expectations. One further, issues should not only be addressed, but also resolved. Set hard limits so there are no issues during or after the tryst.

Pandora’s Box could unveil a woman who discovers she likes women.  The man could fall for the other woman.  There is also always the possibility for desire to continue trysts in the future. Unfortunately, these are risks that can’t be anticipated. So, try to plan for worst case scenario. Be open and honest about why you are inviting another person into your bedroom. Hopefully this conversation will shed light on anything that could pose an issue during or after the threesome.

Ladies, search for that woman whose sexual prowess will not blow you out of the water.  Pray your man can handle satisfying two women at the same time.

Hope you are not the onesome in the threesome, and most importantly, cross your fingers that she doesn’t turn out to be your son’s kindergarten teacher because that would just be weird.

In parting, happy hunting, play safe, and prepare for what you truly sign up for when you suggest or decide to be party to a threesome.

Janine Breland is the owner of The Toy Closet, Inc.; an online exotic luxury boutique, a lifestyle writer and relationship expert. From the first woman who confided intimate details about her sex life, to the many men that have asked for tips and advice, she has encountered thousands of satisfied clients along her journey that began almost a decade ago. 

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