I‘ve said it before and I’ll say it again—conservatives are NOT funny. They’re just not good at making jokes. They just don’t possess the cleverness and understanding of subtlety to produce a well-crafted joke. It’s why “Haha, you’re triggered” is generally their go-to clap back when responding to, well, anything negative aimed at right-wingers. These people have the sense of humor of a pre-teen and every attempt at a joke sounds like “na-na na-na na-naaaaah—let’s go, Brandon!”
Anyway, Herschel Walker‘s son, Christian Walker, is not funny. You know how internet comedians post humourous recordings of themselves on funny rants? Well, Christian does that as well—minus the humor. Recently, Christian posted a video where he weighed in on the controversy sparked by the leaked draft of a Supreme Court decision many fear will upend abortion rights.
His response to the controversy was basically locker room humor. Now, locker room humor is already typically just a series of sexist and juvenile dude-bro sex jokes that most men pretend are funny until we reach a stage in our lives where we make the decision to grow TF up. But Christian’s version is even more pathetic. Dude sounds like the awkward nerd in the locker room trying desperately to gain the social approval of the jocks by telling crude “jokes” he stayed up all night writing.
“In order to get an abortion, you do have to get banged, so all the blue hair pro-choice protesters don’t need to worry about getting abortions,” Christian says in his nasally voice that makes him sound like he’s hitting us with his best Steve Urkel impersonation for laughs—but Nah, that’s just his real voice.
Christian then throws his head back in a nails-on-chalkboard-sounding cackle because he clearly thinks he’s funny, but there’s just no way anyone but him laughed at that. This man sounds like if Comedy Def Jam had a Kidz Bop version. This is coming from someone who you just know would sound like the 40 Year Old Virgin trying to describe sex with a woman to his peers. But, please, carry on…
“It’s easy to give something up when you don’t have it,” he continued. “It’s easy to give up shopping when you’re broke—like, we are all under Joe Biden. So, for everyone saying they’re going on a sex strike—were you getting any to begin with, ma’am?” Because it doesn’t look like it, it looks more like you’ve been in the drive-thru—not in the ‘drive up to his house’ category. Or more like ‘I’ll take a 10-piece fried chicken’—that’s where it looks like you’ve been.’”
Bruh, WHAT DOES THAT EVEN MEAN??
I mean, he’s desperately trying to sh** out a joke about pro-choice women not getting laid, but his best metaphor for sex is a KFC drive-thru quip that lacks any metaphorical consistency and makes him sound like a teen who hasn’t learned how to talk to girls yet but is trying hard to sound cool.
Also, this boy is definitely his father’s son. Have any of you heard Herschel “My magic mist will clean your COVID” Walker try to sound smart and clever? God, can you imagine what Herschel’s dad jokes were like when his tragically lost son was growing up?
Actually, now that I think about it, Christian’s obnoxious idea of humor makes perfect sense now.